Have you ever been unsure how to refer to someone, or heard others use language that seemed unfamiliar? The world of personal pronouns is evolving, and understanding the shift is becoming increasingly important for clear communication and respect. One pronoun set, "they/them," is used by many people, and its meaning and usage are essential to understand in today's society.
Using someone's correct pronouns is a sign of respect and affirms their identity. Misgendering someone, especially repeatedly, can be hurtful and invalidating. As awareness of gender identity grows, so does the use of "they/them" pronouns. Knowing what "they/them" means, and how to use them correctly, helps foster inclusive and respectful environments in our personal and professional lives. It also ensures that we engage in respectful dialogue with everyone.
What Do "They/Them" Pronouns Really Mean?
When is it appropriate to use they/them pronouns?
It is appropriate to use they/them pronouns when referring to someone who has explicitly stated that they use those pronouns, when you don't know someone's pronouns, or when referring to a hypothetical or generic person where the gender is irrelevant. Respecting someone's pronouns is a fundamental aspect of respecting their identity.
Using they/them pronouns demonstrates inclusivity and avoids making assumptions about someone's gender. Some individuals identify as non-binary, genderqueer, genderfluid, or agender, and they/them pronouns offer a way to affirm their identity. Other times, you might encounter someone whose gender is unknown to you, and using they/them serves as a respectful default until you learn their preferred pronouns. This avoids misgendering, which can be hurtful and invalidating. Employing they/them pronouns is also useful in general writing and speaking when the gender of the person being discussed is unknown or irrelevant. For instance, instead of saying "Each student should bring his or her book," it is much more concise and inclusive to say "Each student should bring their book." This usage promotes gender-neutral language and acknowledges the diversity of individuals without relying on potentially inaccurate assumptions.How do I politely ask someone their pronouns?
The most direct and respectful way to ask someone their pronouns is to simply ask, "What pronouns do you use?" or "What are your pronouns?". You can also share your own pronouns first as a way to normalize the practice, for example, "Hi, I'm [Your Name], and I use she/her pronouns. What about you?".
Asking for someone's pronouns is a sign of respect and inclusivity. It demonstrates that you don't assume someone's gender identity based on their appearance or name, and that you are committed to using language that affirms their identity. Creating a space where people feel comfortable sharing their pronouns can foster a more welcoming and respectful environment for everyone. If you are unsure about someone's pronouns and are hesitant to ask directly, you can listen to how others refer to them. You might also be able to find pronouns in an email signature or on a social media profile. However, the best practice is to ask directly, as this avoids making assumptions and respects the individual's right to define themselves. If you make a mistake and use the wrong pronouns, apologize sincerely and correct yourself. A simple "Sorry, I meant she" is sufficient. Avoid dwelling on the mistake or making excuses, as this can draw unnecessary attention to the error and make the person feel more uncomfortable. Make a conscious effort to use the correct pronouns in the future.What does it mean when someone uses they/them pronouns?
When someone uses they/them pronouns, it means that they identify with these pronouns as the best way to reflect their gender identity. It indicates that they do not exclusively identify as male or female, or perhaps do not identify with any gender at all, and prefer to be referred to in a gender-neutral way.
The use of they/them pronouns is a way for individuals to express their gender identity and be recognized and respected for who they are. It is important to honor these pronoun choices as a sign of respect and to create a more inclusive environment. Using someone's correct pronouns affirms their identity and avoids causing them discomfort or invalidation. Misgendering someone, even unintentionally, can be hurtful and contribute to feelings of alienation. Many people use they/them pronouns for different reasons. For some, it may indicate that they are non-binary, genderqueer, or genderfluid. For others, it may be a way to express that they do not conform to traditional gender roles or expectations. Regardless of the specific reason, respecting someone's chosen pronouns is crucial for creating a welcoming and affirming space for everyone. If you are unsure of someone's pronouns, it's always best to ask politely.Is using they/them always about being nonbinary?
No, using they/them pronouns isn't always about being nonbinary. While they/them pronouns are frequently used by nonbinary individuals as their personal pronouns, they also have a long-standing history in the English language as a singular, gender-neutral pronoun used when a person's gender is unknown, irrelevant, or unspecified.
Singular they predates its modern association with nonbinary identities by centuries. It has been used grammatically to refer to a hypothetical person ("Everyone should bring *their* own lunch"), or to someone whose gender is unknown ("Someone left *their* phone on the table"). This usage avoids making assumptions about someone's gender. The increasing visibility of nonbinary individuals and the intentional use of they/them pronouns to affirm their gender identity has brought increased awareness of this pronoun. Therefore, while using they/them pronouns can indicate that a person identifies as nonbinary, it's crucial not to assume someone's gender identity based solely on their pronoun usage. Context is key. It's always best to ask someone their pronouns directly to avoid misgendering and show respect.What should I do if I accidentally misgender someone?
If you accidentally misgender someone, offer a brief and sincere apology, correct yourself, and move on. Don't dwell on the mistake or make a big deal out of it, as this can draw more attention to the error and make the person you misgendered feel more uncomfortable.
The key is to acknowledge your mistake without making the other person responsible for managing your feelings about it. A simple "I'm sorry, I meant [correct pronoun]" is usually sufficient. Avoid making excuses or launching into explanations about why you made the mistake, as this can come across as insincere or deflect responsibility. After the correction, continue the conversation as normal. Repeatedly apologizing or focusing on the error can make the situation more awkward. By quickly correcting yourself and moving on, you show respect for the person's identity and demonstrate that you are making an effort to use the correct pronouns. Remember that everyone makes mistakes, and a gracious response can go a long way in building trust and showing that you are an ally.Are there singular they/them grammar rules?
Yes, there are established grammatical rules governing the use of singular "they/them." These rules treat "they/them" as a singular pronoun that can refer to a specific person, even when their gender is unknown, non-binary, or irrelevant. The grammatical agreement follows as if "they/them" were a typical singular pronoun, but with verb conjugations sometimes mirroring plural usage to avoid awkward constructions.
The primary rule to remember is subject-verb agreement. While "they" is plural, when used singularly, it generally takes a plural form of the verb "to be" (e.g., "they are," not "they is"). For other verbs, the standard third-person singular conjugation rules apply (e.g., "They go," not "They goes," mirroring plural verb forms for simplicity and natural language flow). Possessive pronouns and reflexive pronouns associated with singular "they/them" are "their," "theirs," and "themself," respectively. "Themselves" is sometimes used for emphasis but is generally reserved for explicitly plural referents. The acceptance and normalization of singular "they/them" have led to its inclusion in style guides like the AP Stylebook and the Chicago Manual of Style, codifying its grammatical legitimacy. Using "they/them" avoids making assumptions about someone's gender and is crucial for inclusive and respectful communication. Ignoring these established rules can lead to misgendering and invalidate a person's identity, so adhering to them is essential in both written and spoken English.How can I support people who use they/them pronouns?
Supporting people who use they/them pronouns primarily involves respecting their identity by consistently using their correct pronouns, correcting others who misgender them, and advocating for inclusive language in your daily life and within your communities.
Using someone’s correct pronouns is a fundamental sign of respect. When you meet someone who uses they/them pronouns, make a conscious effort to use them consistently, even when the person isn't present. Practice if needed. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes, so if you misgender someone, apologize briefly, correct yourself, and move on. Dwelling on the error can draw more attention to it and make the person feel more uncomfortable. More importantly, be proactive in correcting others who misgender them. This can be done privately or publicly, depending on the context and what you think the person would prefer. Your willingness to stand up for them can make a significant difference.
Furthermore, advocate for inclusive language in spaces you occupy. This includes normalizing the sharing of pronouns in introductions (both verbally and in written form, like email signatures), challenging gendered assumptions in conversations, and suggesting the use of gender-neutral language in documents and policies. Actively work to create a safe and validating environment where individuals feel comfortable expressing their true selves. Remember that respecting someone's pronouns is about acknowledging their existence and validating their identity, contributing to a more inclusive and accepting society for everyone.
So, that's the lowdown on "they/them" pronouns! Hopefully, this has cleared things up and given you a better understanding. Thanks for taking the time to learn, and feel free to swing by again if you have any more questions – we're always happy to help!